A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. „But how will I let you know the baby is born?”" she asked. He replied

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Funeral Thoughts

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: „Why are you laughing?”"

„”I was thinking about my own funeral

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Dr. Johnson

Once there was a lady who had small tits. Well on day she heard about this doctor called Dr. Johnson.So of course she went to see him. He told her how he could help, but she had second thoughts about doing it. He told her to pinch her tits and sing, ” mary had a little lamb. its fleece was white as snow. anywhere that mary went that lamb was sure to go”"
Well sure enough she did

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Good news – Bad news

This guy isn’t feeling good so he goes and gets a check-up. The doctor calls him back in and tells him he has nothing but bad news. ” You’re terminal

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The Urinalysis

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

„So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.

„The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

„No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, „I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”

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Professional Services

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed, beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy voice, ‘Hi there handsome. How are you doing?’ before wiggling her backside and walking off. ‘Who was that?!’ demanded the doctor’s wife. ‘Er – just a woman I met professionally,’ replied the doctor. ‘Oh yeah?!’ snarled his wife, ‘in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!’

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A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she
said �You must be a good dentist.� He replied, �How did you know I’m a dentist.�
She said, �I didn’t feel a thing.�

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Letters from charities

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer’s group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

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Doctor, Doctor! Gimme The News!

An old man and an old lady went in the doctor’s office to get their yearly
exam. The doctor came in and started to get some information from them. He then
told the old man that he needed to have a stool sample and a urine sample. The
old man turned to the old lady and asked her what the doctor said.
„He needs a pair of your underwear.”

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