That Hurts

Man Walks into a bar.
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OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pick your favorite

„In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.

Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.

If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

confusion!

How do u confuse a blonde…?
U put her in a round room and tell her that the vibrator is in
the corner!

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii blondes

Seashells

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world…perhaps you’ve seen it.

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii quotes

I Nearly Pissed Myself

Bob is a regular guy and he is out at a local bar one night having a good time. Jack, the bartender and owner of the bar, offered him another drink and as he did Bob spoke up. ‘Hey Jack, you’re a betting kinda man aren’t ya?’ ‘Maybe Bob, what did ya have in mind.’ ‘Well Jack, I will bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at the end of your bar and piss into it without spilling a drop.’ Jack thought to himself, ‘This guy must be a complete moron. There is no way he is gonna make that. This is gonna the easiest grand I’ve ever made.’ ‘Okay Bob. you’re on.’ Jack walked down to the other end of the bar and positioned a shot glass on the end. He walked back behind the bar and said, ‘Okay Bob, Let’s see what you got.’ Bob unzipped his fly and staring pissing all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottle of booze, and all over Jack. Jack roared with laughter and almost fell over. Then he noticed that Bob was sitting at the bar smiling. ‘What are you smiling at jackass, you just lost $1,000.’ ‘Well Bob, ya see that guy over there in the cowboy hat writing out a check.’ ‘Yeah, what about him.’ ‘Well I just bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your booze and you, and not only wouldn’t you be mad, you would laugh hysterically about it.’

Super Looong List of One-Liners Part 2!

Q. How do you Scare a Man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars that they have no intention of driving.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he’s God’s gift to women?
A. Exchange him.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date?
A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. How do you get a man to exercise?
A. Tie the TV remote control to his shoelaces.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know. It’s never happened.

Q. Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A. Because, even back then men wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.

Q. What is a man’s idea of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. Men are like vacations….
A. they never seem to be long enough.

Q. Men are like computers….
A. hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Q. Men are like coolers….
A. load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Q. Men are like horoscopes….
A. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Q. Men are like plungers….
A. they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Q. Men are like laxatives….
A. they irritate the shit out of you.

Q. Men are like parking spots….
A. the good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped.

Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. Why are men like lawnmowers?
A. They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

Q. Why are men like tile floors?
A. If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for 20 years.

Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

Q. What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
A. „How come?”

Q. What’s the definition of a teenager?
A. God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

Q. Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
A. They’ll never see you coming.

Q. What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A. S&M&M.

Q. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A. Both capture the moment.

Q. Define Transvestite:
A. A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A. A scrotum pole!

Q. What’s the ultimate in rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
A. There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

Q. What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
A. Two Mennonite!

Q. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A. If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

Q. Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
A. Is it in?

Q. What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A. A bingo machine.

Q. What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
A. One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One … Men will screw anything.

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other