Set up

Here’s the set up:
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on
the screen saying, „This movie has been altered to fit your television screen.”
Comment from person:
„How do they know what size screen I have?”

Jesus is Watching Yo

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: „Jesus is watching you!”Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.”Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.He asked the parrot: „Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”"Yes”, said the parrot.The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: „What’s your name?”"Clarence,” said the bird.”That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.”What idiot named you Clarence?”The parrot said, „The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

Three women were about to be executed

Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a
redhead, and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first
woman, the brunette, forward and the executioner asked if she
had any last requests. She said no and the executioner shouted:
„… Ready … Aim … !! and suddenly the brunette yelled,
„EARTHQUAKE!” Everyone was startled and looked around. She
escaped.

So they brought up the redhead and asked if she had any last
requests. She said no, and the executioner shouted: „… Ready
… Aim …!! and suddenly the redhead yelled „TORNADO!”
Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped.

Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought
her forward and the executioner asked if she had any last
requests. She said no and the executioner shouted: „… Ready
… Aim … !! and the blonde yelled, „FIRE!”

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii blondes

RESPONSIBILTY

A MAN JOINED A COMPANY AND IT WAS THE FIRST DAY OF HIS JOB. THE MANAGER ASKED THE MAN.

MANAGER: YOU HAVE BEEN APPOINTED A NEW POSITION WITH HARD WORK. CAN YOU HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THIS ENTIRE WORK?

THE MAN: SURE.

MANAGER: HOW CAN YOU DO SO?

THE MAN: I HAVE HAD GOOD EXPERIENCE IN IT.

MANAGER: HOW?

THE MAN: IN MY PREVIOUS COMPANY WHEN I WORKED THERE A LOT OF PROBLEMS HAVE OCCURRED AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR IT.

Un se�or de mediana edad

Un se�or de mediana edad lleva una hora sentado en el bar mirando su copa sin beberla, cuando llega un camionero alto y gordo que se bebe la copa de un solo trago. El pobre hombre se echa a llorar, y el camionero le consuela:

„Vamos, buen hombre, era s�lo una broma, ahorita le pido otra copa”.

„No, no es eso. Es que hoy ha sido el peor d�a de mi vida: primero, llego tarde al trabajo y me despiden. Luego, al llegar donde hab�a dejado mi coche, veo que se lo robaron. Camino a mi casa y veo a mi mujer con otro hombre y me vengo para ac�; y, cuando por fin iba a terminar con todo esto, llega usted y �se toma mi veneno!”

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii animals

Best Friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, „That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s the problem?”
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, „I found my wife in bed with my best friend.”

‘Wow,” says the barkeep. „What did you do about it?” „I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out.”

„That makes sense,” remarks the barkeep… „And, what about your best friend?”

„I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog** „

The good driver

There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, „Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, „Damn, that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit, „Damn that sonofabitch can drive”, then spit.A man sits down next to him and asks him, „What’s going on here? You keep saying, „Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit”.”Well”, says the guy, „my friend just got a brand new sports car, so calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?”"He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go out! He’s pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we’re picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.”We’re going faster and faster and it’s hard to stay on the road. I’ve got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I’m pleading with him to do something!!”We’re going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said… „Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I’ll give you the best damn blow job you’ve ever had!”"DAMN, THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE!!” …*SPIT*

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

Headlines of the Paper

I read the newspaper today, and boy is those headlines are looking worse and
worse and worse. Why, yesterday, I couldn’t believe my eyes! I could hardly
bring myself to read the darn things. Sigh. I guess it is time I get a good pair
of reading glasses.