Top 10 Titles for Dubya’s Biography

10.My Life,Emptier Than the Beer Cans at the Bottom of My Car
9. My Life in a 10oz Bag
8. The Things I’ve Done has President in a Couple of Lines
7. Waking Up in my Own Vomit
6. I Hate my wife more than Bin Laden plus 10 reasons why
5. I Got’s a Swivle Chair in My Office
4. Waisted Away in Margerita Vill
3. Cocaine? No it’s Carpet Cleaner!
2. Cause My Mommy Told Me So
1. My Daddy Called Me Second Best

Movie Review: Supernova

Editor’s Note: Although this is not a joke, it’s still funny as hell and I couldn’t resist posting it. It’s a review of Supernova from the Self-Made Critic at www.brunching.com, pretty much proving what I thought would be true (hope it’s not too late for any of you)…———-In the name of all that is Holy, do NOT see this movie!!!There, that’s really about all you need to know about the new sci-fi disaster, Supernova.The movie is so horrible, it is my civic duty to keep you away from it. So I’m going to ruin absolutely any and all of the movie that I possibly can.Here’s what the movie is about, I think. (It was sometimes hard to understand what was happening because, well, it was really stupid.) There’s this big, deep-space medical rescue ship. They pick up a distress signal from an abandoned moon. They go to the moon, pick up a lone guy who has a weird object. The guy starts to kill everybody. They kill him. The object causes a supernova. The movie ends. Everybody’s dead except for James Spader and Angela Bassett. Everyone. There isn’t a single character in the movie other than those two who lives.Oh, and a supernova is heading towards Earth and will destroy it in 51 years. Oh well, sucks to be Earth.Apparently, according to this movie, in the future, everybody is really, really dumb, and they’ve never seen a sci-fi movie in their lives. How dumb can the human race really be? How dumb could the writers have been? At one point, they specifically tell us that the ship only has 6 special ‘jump pods’, and then later, the computer tells us that evil bad guy has just destroyed Pod #7. Excuse me?Rule #1 if you’re ever out in deep space: Don’t go rescue the weird guy who shouldn’t be out there anyway. And definitely don’t bring his mysterious cargo onboard. I wanted to spend the movie bitch-slapping the characters. „His bone structure is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a human. It’s completely over-developed. Huh. Weird. What’s for dinner?”SLAP”Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain’s head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let’s go to bed together.”SLAP”The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let’s split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him.”SLAP”I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I’m gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens.”SLAP”We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let’s go to bed.”SLAP”We are a medical rescue ship with a crew of six with only six ‘jump pods’ so if we ever actually rescued anyone, we wouldn’t be able to actually bring them home.”SLAPWho directed this heap? That’s another a sci-fi story all its own.Officially, Thomas Lee directed this movie. Who’s Thomas Lee? He doesn’t exist. He’s the next Alan Smithee. The real director was Walter Hill, and he took his name off this movie faster than you can say „Oy! What have I done to my career!” Then Francis Ford Coppola had a go at a final cut, but you won’t find his name anywhere near this film either.The movie was scheduled to be released in the Summer of 1997. That’s not a typo. 1997. It cost, get this, over $70 million dollars to make this movie. Do you have any idea how many Blair Witches you could make for that kind of money?Speaking of The Blair Witch Project, this film was filmed in Blair-Witch-o-Vision, with a shaky camera that doesn’t sit still for a second. It’s like the camera operator was suffering from epilepsy throughout the entire film. $70 million and they couldn’t afford a stedicam?Supernova gets 3/4 of a Babylon. Why not 0? Because the movie teaches us how pear brandy is made, and that educational effort is worth 3/4 of a Babylon.Other than that, save your soul, don’t see this film!!! **SUPERNOVARated: PG-13 (thought it was so obviously meant to be a R that it’s ridiculous.)Directed by: Thomas Lee (Walter Hill, I can’t let him off the hook so easily.)Starring: A lot of people who should be ashamed of themselves.

God’s Children

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. „How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, „Why God sent you, Honey.”"And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues.”Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?” „Yes, Honey, all of them, too.”The child shakes her head in disbelief. „Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

Hellman mayonnaise

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the „Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(„desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.

Annoying Questions

Here’s what I don’t get:

When you can’t find something, someone says to you, „Where did you last
have it?”
Well duh! If I knew where I last had it I would have found it by now! And
you actually think that I keep track of everywhere I go with something?

„Are you going to eat that or do you want me to eat it for you?”
Oh, yeah, of course I’ll let you eat my food. If I can’t eat it, there’s
no point on wasting it on someone like you anyway. And I would’ve told you
if I wanted you to eat it in the first place!

„Are you on the phone again?”
No, I’m not! I’m just sitting here with the phone in my hands, talking to
myself and the line is busy. What a stupid question! You could just say,
„Why are you on the phone again”, or „Get off the phone!” But why ask a
question you know the answer to? How are you supposed to learn something
that way?

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

Top 10 Reasons to Know You’re a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You’ve used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

The Plus Sign

There was a little boy and he was failing math. He had never had
a good grade in it and on his last report card he had an F so
his parents decided to send him to a Catholic school.

The first day he came on walked through the kitchen got a class
of water and went to his room to study not saying a word to
either of his parents. The second day he did the same thing
again. This went on for about two months. He got his report card
and came home got a glass of water laid his report card on the
table and went to his room to study. His mom was starting to get
worried so she opened his report card and sure enough he had
achieved an A in Math.

She was very concerned as to why he could do it now but he
didn’t study when he was in regular school, so she went upstairs
to his room and ask him. „Son I see you got an A in Math. Was it
the discipline?” „No,” he said. „Was it the nuns?” „No,” he
said. „Well, what was it then?” she ask. The boy replied back,
„Well the first day I went to that school and saw that boy they
had nailed to the plus sign. . .I was gonna get an A.”