Tally Wakers

Remember back in WWII we used to call all the soldiers G.I. ‘s.
Well now we go against the Taliban so we call our
american soldiers Tally Wackers.

Insurance Policy

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, „We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, „Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, „If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

What

A man comes up to a woman and says”Do you want
to go do it?” The woman says”Do what?” The man says”Go jump off a brige!

Twas the Night Before Chrismas…

‘Twas the Night Before Chrismas: Brooklyn Version

‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
(I had a gun unda my pillow.)

When up on da roof’
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, ”Ay! Keep it down!”

When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin’ reindeer.

Wit’ a bad hackin’ cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit’ a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

”Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin’ boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
”Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!”

Off the Toilet wall

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.- Women’s toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breastplate open.- Women’s toilet, Champaign, Illinois.Beauty is only a light switch away.- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. – Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? – The Irish Times, Washington DC.Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.- Baton Rouge, Louisiana.At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.- Tucson, Arizona.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. – Men’s toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.A Women’s Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. – Women’s toilet, Dallas, Texas.Jesus Saves, but wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?- Men’s toilet, American University, Washington DC.Express Lane: Five beers or less.- Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.You’re too good for him.- Sign over mirror in women’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.No wonder you always go home alone.- Sign over mirror in men’s toilet, Beverly Hills, California.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armand’s Pizza, Washington DC.To do is to be – Descartes To be is to do – Sartre Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra – Men’s toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. – Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!- Women’s toilet, Bozeman, Montana.If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.- Revolution Books, New York.

Rectal Thermometer

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, „It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.”

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
„Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm
failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with
both house and car keys inside.”

„I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, „Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I
got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone was
still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash
drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it…half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile,
the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to
answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer. and believe me, Mister, I TOLD HER!

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