Q: Why don’t violists play hide and seek?A: Because no one will look for them.
Llega Isaac muy preocupado a hablar con su padre: „�Oh, badre Abraham, yo estoy muy breocupados borque haberme llegados un requerimientos de la oficina de recaudaci�n de impuestos y no se c�mo bresentarme.”
„Fui a bedir consejos a mi hermano Jakob y �l haber dichos: T� hermano… ll�vate tu mejor trajes, el rolex de oro, las plumas Mont Blancs; llega en el Mercedez Benz negros y b�rtate como si fueras due�os del mundo.
Luego haber ido con mi hermano Ysrael y �l aconsejar: Querrido hermanos…Tu ll�vate unos pantalones de mezclillas viejitos, playera blanca, ponte el timex m�s jodidos, lleva una plumas bic, llega en besero y b�rtate el mas humildes del mundo.
�Oh, padre, yo no se a cual de los dos he de hacerles caso, si a Jakob o a Ysrael!”
Y Abraham, como todo un patriarca le responde, lleno de sabidur�a:
„Mira querido hijos, yo solamente puedo responderte lo mismos que le dije a tu hermanas Sarita el d�a de su bodas cuando ella bregunt� que deb�a usar la noche de bodas, si un neglig� transparentes o un camis�n de franelas. Lo que le dije fu�: Querrida hija, vayas como vayas… te van a coger.”
The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.
„Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
„No, Dopey,” responds the Pontiff, „there are not.”
„Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?” Dopey asked.
„No, Dopey,” chuckles the Pope, „there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.”
„Mr. Pope,” Dopey asked pleadingly, „are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
„No, Dopey,” the Pope says sadly, „there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
Then, softly…in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting…
„Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin…”
In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months
of poor snowmobiling.
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, only a little while.The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.The American then asked, „but what do you do with the rest of your time?”The Mexican fisherman said, „I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”The American scoffed, „I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”The Mexican fisherman asked, „But, how long will this all take?”To which the American replied, „15-20 years.”"But what then?”The American laughed and said that’s the best part.”When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”"Millions.. Then what?”The American said, „Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, „Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”
„What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. „I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, „You sir, are the father of triplets.”
„Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. „I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down!”
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the third man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. „Don’t tell me! Another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said „I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him repeatedly muttering the same phrase over and over again:
„I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… „I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… „I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers…!!!”
Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, „I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”
The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, „I’m a lark and I’ve been sparked!”
The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, „I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!”
„Do you believe in life after death?”, the boss asked one of his employees. „Yes, Sir”, the employee replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine.”The boss went on,”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,she stopped in to see you”.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: – religion – royalty – sex – mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
„My God,” said the Queen. „I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. „Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
„I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
„Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But
where’s my husband?”
„That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
„Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. „Please don’t tell me…”
„I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m
Finally, she looked up at Tim. „How did it happen, Tim?”
„It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?”
„Well, no Brenda… no.”
„Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”