Pure Politics: To vote for Bush you must believe…

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a „we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is a impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

Marketing

The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of „Marketing.” Well, here it is:

- You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, „I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Direct Marketing.

- You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, „She’s fantastic in bed,”

That’s Advertising.

- You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, „Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Telemarketing.

- You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, „May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, „By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”

That’s Public Relations.

- You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, „I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”

That’s Brand Recognition.

- You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, „I’m fantastic in bed!”…..

That’s Junk Mail.

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

Tescos hitman

one english man discovered his wife was having an affair, overcome by rage he decided to kill her, so he went to a hitman named Artie, whom he met through a friend,Artie agreed to do the job for a pound (�1)so the gave his wifes description, short red hair, works in Tescos on till eight. So artie ready to do his job marched upto till number eight, picks her up and chokes her to death, the manager came to her aid shouting ‘u can’t do that’ so Artie choked him too, the brave lady in the next aisle came to the rescue, ‘leave them alone’ he choked her to death. The newspaper the next day read ‘ARTIE CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT TESCO’S’.

George and Harry’s European Vacation

Two friends, named Harry and George, go on a trip to Europe, where they have a
great time. When they get back, Harry meets up with his pal Phil to tell him all
about it.
„One of the first places we went to was the leaning tower of Pisa. It was
really neat.”
„Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
„No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit the
Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. That was really neat.”
„Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
„No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did go to visit Big Ben in
London.”
„Cool. Did you go up inside it?”
„No, we couldn’t, since George is a cripple. But we did attend mass at the
Vatican.”
„Really? What happened?”
„Well, the Pope made the sign of the cross, and George dropped his right
crutch, and he dropped his left crutch.”
„Cool. What happened then?”
„George fell on his ass. He’s a cripple, you know.”

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii medical

Money

Q: There are four people in a room. Father Christmas, The Easter Bunny, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde. Also in the room there is a $100 note on a table. Who takes the money?

A: The dumb blonde. The rest dont exist!

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii blondes

Dos compadres pasaban por un

Dos compadres pasaban por un callej�n y un tipo se les acerca con una jeringa dici�ndoles: „denme el dinero o les inyecto el SIDA”.

Uno de los compadres empieza a darle el dinero, pero el otro se niega, retando al asaltante: „no; iny�ctame lo que quieras, pero a m� nadie me roba.

„�Qu� hace, compadre?”, le pregunta el otro angustiado, mientras el agresor le inyecta todo el contenido de la jeringa.

Cu�ndo el delincuente se aleja, le pregunta: „�por qu� dej� que lo inyectaran, compadre?”

„No se preocupe compadre, tra�a puesto un cond�n”, le contesta el otro.
(Jaime Alejandro Arjona Tamez)

Zaszufladkowano do kategorii other

Pretty Dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for „the children’s
sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said to her, „That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, „Yes,
and my Mom says it’s a Bitch to iron.”

Title Dating Back to Its Origin

For those of you who have had to deal with governmental
agencies, this will strike a familiar and then satisfying
chord…..

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was
told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory
title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The
title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer
three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply (actual letter):

„Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which
you have prepared and presented the application, we must point
out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral
proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it
will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

„Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been
received. I note that you wish to have title extended further
than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was
unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly
those working in the property area, would not know that
Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492
by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been
granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the
then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles,
almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund
Columbus’ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the
emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is
commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made
that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be
the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be
satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

They got it.